


How to Cereal Kill

by Piriluk (orphan_account)



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Alternate Universe - Serial Killers, Drabble, Fluff, Gen, Horror, Humor, Oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-05-02 16:01:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5254511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Piriluk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>By the mastermind serial killer, Len Kagamine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Cereal Kill

**Author's Note:**

> i am a professional shitposter/10

**HOW TO CEREAL KILL**

_By the mastermind serial killer, Len Kagamine._

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.

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STEP 1: Apprehend your next victim

Rin enters the bathroom with a sigh, stretching out her stiff shoulders after a long day at work being abused by multitudes of dickwads on Docomo's help hotlines. She lost count how many times she had to ask, "Did you try turning it off and on again?" because, well, they hadn't - and the problem could've been solved if they _just fucking reset the goddamn mobile._

She turns to the sink to wash her hands and remove her contacts, but pauses at the sight of an oozing red liquid on the surface of her mirror.

_You're next._

First her lips twitch, before she reaches out to touch the half-wet substance. She smells it.

It's actually blood. _Wow._

Instead of screaming and running for the high hills, however, like a normal human being would do; the female throws back her head and cackles hysterically, like it's a joke. Eventually, she finally settles to say aloud, "Good."

Good.

_Good?!_

Len almost kicks his face from shock. How could the girl find the death threat good? What kind of special ballistic _is_ she?

Nevertheless, he doesn't blow his cover, and lowers himself from the ledge underneath the bathroom's tiny window outside, muttering to himself, "Well, fuck."

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.

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STEP 2: Make your victim live in fear

Len watches from the crack in her closet as Rin turns down the sheets of her futon and gets comfortable. After checking her phone, as if expecting something important, she puts it aside and switches off her lamp, bathing the room in darkness.

He waits for a few moments - not long enough for her to fall asleep - before allowing his breaths to grow deep and wheezy, loud enough for her to hear.

There seems to be no response for a while, before Rin turns over in her futon and sighs loudly, almost irritably. He continues, waiting for a considerable reaction, until -

"Okay, so like, can you use a freaking asthma puffer or something for your breathing problems? Oh my _God._ I have to get up early to work tomorrow, you know."

Len stiffens, wanting to curse, and halts his heavy breathing. His ego shrinks in embarrassment. _No, no, she isn't supposed to react this way,_ he muses, _she's supposed to freak out or something and open the cupboard, and then I slit her throat and the job is done._

Unfortunately, Rin doesn't seem to be following the necessary serial killer vs victim protocol. He runs through his mind for a list of _plan b_ 's, but falls short of anymore ideas.

The boy decides to call it a day, and waits patiently for her to fall asleep so he can escape.

.

.

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STEP 3: Follow your victim

_What a stupid girl,_ Len muses from the shadows. _Good._

Rin strides down the narrow, dark alleyway, too busy looking for something in her purse to watch where she's going. Of all places she decides to walk - she chooses _here_ , much to Len's delight. Her heels wobble as a result of intoxication and the uneven asphalt under her feet. Nevertheless, she manages to stay upright, like it's an art form to walk drunk over potholes in sky-high platforms.

He steps out from behind the garbage bins and begins to stalk her down the pathway, making sure to stay hidden in the unlit sections along the moist walls of a building. She has to know he's following her - but not know _who_ is following her.

The female seems oblivious to his presence at first, before she fishes out her phone and pretends to call a friend.

"Hey, Meiko?" she says, airy voice bouncing off the walls towering around her petite figure. "Can you tell me how to tell a loser murderer that I know they're following me because they walk like a fuckin' elephant?"

Len stops in his tracks, defeated. Like she knows she's won, Rin glances over her shoulder at him, and flashes him a blinding smile, waggling her fingers.

Then she's gone.

.

.

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STEP 4: Wait, what?

It's his day off, so he's minding his own business in the supermarket, trying to figure out which can of beans works out cheaper for the amount of nutrition it contains. Len glances back and forth between the almost-identical products, frowning in deep thought.

Someone taps his shoulder and he lifts his head, meeting a pair of familiar, large blue eyes.

His stomach just about leaves the solar system.

"Hey," Rin greets, a sly smile on her lips. She folds her arms over her chest, and looks him up and down carefully like a tasty meal, especially honing in on that certain spot in his pants. Len swallows. "You're the nerd who keeps trying to kill me but is totally bad at being subtle."

_Abort mission,_ Len's mind screams. He places the one can of beans down on the shelf, dropping the other into his basket. _Abort missioN!_

Instead he chuckles. Badly. He failed drama in middle school, and now he's going to fail miserably trying to cover up his internal panic. "Really?"

Rin raises an eyebrow. "Yeah. Really."

Len thinks for a moment, and settles for, "...Cool."

"Cool?"

"The bananas are on sale," he changes the topic rather hastily. Rin blinks, off-guard. He licks his lips and takes the chance to sidle off in the direction of the check-out. "I like bananas."

The female doesn't follow him, but the whole time he backs away, he maintains direct eye contact with her.

.

.

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STEP 5: Kill your victim

Len pats down the pockets of his jeans, rummaging through everything and anything his keys could possibly fit into. He wonders if he could've dropped them somewhere, glances down the hallway - the floor, but there are none in sight. He groans mentally, thinking he left them somehow in the supermarket with - with _her_. He really doesn't want to make the effort to go back there, and run the risk of seeing her again.

Something jingles beside him and he turns his head to see his keys being held out by a pale hand, sourced from behind. Len takes the keys and completes the circle, so that he's facing the supposed good Samaritan, to see - _oh no_.

Rin smirks up at him, a look in her eyes that's... unsettling.

He barely has a second to blink before her hand shoves him up against his door and sandwiches him, presses her body against his - along with a silver blade against his neck. It's on the blunt side of the knife, but the look on her face tells him that it's not going to be that way for long.

Len gasps, wanting to speak, but unable to form any words. He gives in, and the girl licks her lips, shaky with excitement in her actions.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food, Len Kagamine?"

 

**Author's Note:**

> honestly there was no point in this story. congrats, i wasted your time


End file.
